When someone asks me, "how are you?", I often wonder "how much do you really want to know?" and "how much should I really share?". Because, the truth is not always pretty.
Most days, I still struggle to get out of bed. Starting a new day of struggles and battling with my emotions does not sound very appealing.
Depression hurts. Depression sucks.
But I get out of bed, each and every day.
When I open my eyes, most mornings, the first sight I see is my hubby fast asleep with our Sweet Pea curled up in his arms. She often wakes up in the middle of the night and crawls into bed with daddy. (She is definitely a daddy's girl.)
A few minutes later, I hear my son calling for mommy. I scoop him up as he clings to my neck. I will rise for him, for my daughter, for my husband, for me...and for Him.
I force myself to move forward, no matter how hard it is, because I want to be healed, I want to be whole again.
But I know I can't do it on my own. So I cry out to God in the morning, "Lord, I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I just don't think I can do it today. Please give me strength and peace that surpasses understanding. And reminder me every second of the day that you are here, that I am not alone."
And you know what He says?
I will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
I love you with an unfailing love. (Psalm 13:5)
I give strength to the weary and power to the powerless. (Isaiah 40:29)
I will set you free, because I came to set the prisoners free. (Psalm 146:7)
I breathe my thanks and feel a strength that is not my own, a peace I didn't know possible.
Ann wrote these words in a comment on a blog post yesterday: He does untangle all the wounds. As I read those words, I thought about how counseling has brought so many of my wounds to the surface, how I've had to sort through emotions I would much rather keep hidden. It's easier to ignore the pain than to bring it to the light.
Because, usually the untangling of wounds hurts, just like it hurts when I brush through a tangle in my hair. But it is worth it to be made whole again.
And that's exactly what I long for: to be whole again. I know I will be. He will heal me...but sometimes the journey to healing is hard, so very hard.
first of all thank you for stopping by my blog.
ReplyDeletesecond of all HANG IT THERE. Depression is terrible. Depression sucks. Depression is the wors enemy. Especially if you are a mother and a wife. It takes not only from you but from all those who surround you, your loved once, your husband, your kids. I am not a believer and the only thing I believe in is the the power to heal is in YOU and only in YOU. If you won't help yourself than nothing and nobody will help. Of course people might support you, and be with you when you need them, but the power to get better is within you! It's just YOU who gets up every morning, it's you who tries to be a good mother and a wife despite that terrible feeling inside you. IT'S YOU! Nobody else. If you decide: "I do not want to be sick anymore. I'll look for help. I'll look for support. I do not want to live that life anymore" It's just you who decided that. And it depends on you wheter you get better.
It's my opinion. I don't want to be rude, or I don't want to say that believing in God is something wrong. I just wish people have more confidence whitin themselfs than in something up there... no matter what.
I know you will get better. You've got you family and they need you! remember that! Thy need healthy YOU!
many hugs, I think you need them!
You will get better, it does get better! I know, I have survived depression before, I am surviving it again, it will get batter!
ReplyDeleteThank you for linking up!
Stephanie, He will. He will heal you. And you're right; it hurts to brush out tangle, but it feels good to be made whole again. I'll be praying with more ferver, friend. Just a call away if you need some love. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Stephanie, this post breaks my heart, as I know exactly what you are describing. I do need to respectfully disagree with the above comments. Your only hope is in Christ. I love Isaiah 61,
ReplyDelete1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
4And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.
He gives us a garment of praise for a "spirit" of heaviness . . . heaviness (depression and oppression) is a spirit. It is a spiritual issue. There is only One who can heal a spiritual issue. I know, I have been there, I have tried many of the world's methods for healing. If you have any questions or need specific prayer, please, please feel free to email me. I don't have all the answers, but I can share from the point of view of someone who has been in the pit, deep down in the pit, and the Lord has delivered me from that pit. I am praying for you right now!
Relentlessly Pursuing,
Michelle