Photo credit: patrikneckman
It's no surprise to anyone who regularly reads this blog that I struggle with anxiety. It's been well over a year since I was diagnosed after panic attacks became so frequent and scary my husband pleaded with me to see my doctor.
As a Christian, I thought I was a terrible failure and fraud. Admitting I needed help and actually begging my doctor for medication seemed like saying I didn't trust God enough, that my testimony was a lie.
But the truth was, the anxiety was so bad I didn't even know who I was anymore. My doctor explained the real chemical imbalance mental illness leaves in its wake. I used to think mental illness was simply a weakness or an excuse.
It wasn't until weeks after starting just a small dose of anti-depressants that I understood the severity and seriousness of mental illness. It was like walking out a fog of confusion and chaos and emptiness...and suddenly feeling whole again.
I'm a long way down the path of victory now, but the anxious thoughts still threaten to plague me at times. Night time after a long, exhausting day always seems to be the hardest for me. As I lay in bed, my mind starts racing with a million and one anxious thoughts, just waiting to take me captive.
Anxiety will probably always be a part of me. I will never fully be whole on this earth. But, I can still live a full, peaceful, content life. Anxiety doesn't have to define me and it doesn't have to control me.
I've read the Words and heard the Truth preached over and over. God doesn't call us to live a life of fear, but of freedom. Trust in Him, be still before Him, lay all your burdens on Him...and He will give you rest.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss says that "what we believe is revealed not by what we know or what we say we believe but by how we actually live". I say that I trust God, that He is good, that He is more than sufficient for all my needs...but does my walk prove it? It's the old "you can talk the talk...but can you walk the walk?".
There is anxiety that is a real, medical illness...but there is also anxiety that is a real, spiritual illness. Deep in my heart there is a lie I've believed for far too long: God is not really enough for me.
Part of me feels like, after typing those words, there should be a big bolt of lightning striking me down from heaven. How could I honestly believe such a lie?
But God knows my heart. He knows the lies Satan uses to hold us captive and He knows we are not perfect. That's why He sent His son.
I came across these Words this week, "but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster" (Proverbs 1:33). It's a Truth God's been trying to get through my head and into my heart for years, but in that moment it finally clicked. And it was mind blowing.
Those who listen to His Words and seek His wisdom will be secure and without dread. Allowing the anxious thoughts to take over and hold me captive is like saying that Truth is really a lie or that it just doesn't apply to me...as if I am somehow above or beyond His power.
I felt so humbled and overwhelmed by the realization of this Truth: humbled that I would place myself in such an exalted position over the power and might of the Creator God and overwhelmed that He knew my heart already and still chose to love me and pursue me relentlessly.
Today, I am finally dwelling secure in the hands of a mighty God who promises to carry me through whatever storms life brings my way. I will not fear or dread what might or could be, because He already knows the future and nothing is a surprise to Him. I can rest in the beautiful Truth that His promises are bigger and stronger than any anxious thought and I can say to those anxious thoughts, "You don't belong here and you don't control me. God's got this."
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Note: I wrote this post yesterday, but saved it for today. I've been working up the courage to share yesterday's post from my recent Writing Circle participation and after writing this post I knew I needed to share these together. Because this is what anxiety looks like, but this (today's post) is what victory looks like. To God be the glory and honor and power, forever and ever.
I love how you shared yesterday and then today - and they compliment each other so well! I've also struggled with anxiety (and depression) and it is such scary, real stuff. I'm so glad you found help, and that you also have Him to turn to, and his truth. It's amazing how much comfort we can find in His word. A blessing :)
ReplyDelete(you are so brave Stephanie, this will help someone. It will!)
Such soul-revealing and powerful posts (read yesterday's and today's!) God is enough...yet I have to choose his "enoughness"... and in that choice my humanity, my weakness, my fear, my sadness are all revealed. My heart settles when I remember that He KNOWS me...my heart settles when I remember that HE wanted it to be a choice, a choice that He knew we'd wrestle with and have to make over and over and over again in our lives. I return often to that scripture "Godliness with contentment is great gain." You'd think it would say "Godliness is great gain" - what more could we have to gain than being like God?!? But, to me, He's telling me that it's MY contentment with that pursuit of Him that leads to my gaining all the peace and understanding he has to offer. And I love God for this - for involving me...completely involving ME in His process. To me it means he believes I'm able. Which I often fail to believe....so grateful for HIS faithfulness! I feel with you, walk with you and pray with you in your pursuit. Thanks, as always, for you humility and honesty in this space.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had the courage yet to read yesterday's post about what anxiety is like. I know we have talked about our mutual experiences keeping anxiety at bay. This is a day when I feel it lurking just beneath the surface. So, I think I will have to read that post on another day. Today I relish in the victory post.
ReplyDeleteCourage....to us both. God really is enough.
As I travel my own path through anxiety, I am discovering how wide spread it really is. Yet, so many people shy away from sharing their hearts about it. Thank you for doing that so openly and for the powerful reminder that victory is possible and God is enough.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful, truthful and stunning follow up to your post from yesterday. We have to learn that day by day He is enough. It's not easy, not in the least. But there is mercy on days when we don't realize His fullness. Powerful.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so glad that you sought the cure that you needed that you listened and questioned and found the answers you were looking for. God doesn't want us to live in darkness and fear, he wants the best for us, and if that means that you need medication, I think he'd find peace with that choice. I've suffered with mental illness all my life, and made choices that I've second guessed millions of times, but the one thing that always remained true was that the choices I made turned me into ME again, and for that I'll be forever grateful. Congratulations on feeling like you again. I know it will take time, but trust in him that you will be you again and no longer live in fear.
ReplyDeleteI recently went back to my doctor for medication, as the hormonal imbalance of mid-life and all that brings was making me off balance. Your story offers so much hope to Christians who struggle with mental illness.
ReplyDeleteSo many people needed to hear this I am certain! Stepping out to get the help you need even when that isn't the easy choice is a strength - not a weakness ;) God bless!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this Stephanie! I struggle with the idea of mental illness too as a sign that we aren't being "strong" enough. It's hard as a Christian to walk that line of what is going in our bodies v. our minds. I feel like I struggle with depression, but I see it as me not being prayerful enough, or trusting God enough, etc. This was incredibly brave of you to share, and I totally get the journey. Prayers for your continued health!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this with me. My heart is warmed and comforted by your transparency and vulnerability. It's such an inspiration. I look forward too visiting your site and reading much more! This truly has been the definition of (in)couraging!
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